• dezirae

My Demons - Behind the Song

Updated: Nov 6, 2019

Hey friends and fans!

The spooky season has pretty much come to an end and we are mostly grateful/ready for the transition into a jollier season.

But before we start singing songs about snow and stuffing, I wanted to share a little bit about our single My Demons, and it's recently released music video!

If you haven't seen it yet, you can watch it here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_QtqMEulZI

First, I have a few people I want to thank for making this project possible: To Jared Collier, who shot and edited the video--his first music video--and we are very pleased with the product! Thanks, Jared! To Reece Maffit and Calen Colbert, you guys were very helpful hands on the set. Thanks for filling in wherever we needed, and helping the day run smoothly!

SO, now for a bit about the song. Since the release of the song as a single back in August of this year (2019), we have received so much support and feedback about the depth of the subject matter--depression.

Not everyone in the world knows this, but I, Dezirae, have experienced long bouts of crippling anxiety and depression on and off throughout my 24 years. These lyrics came to me when I desperately needed them during my most recent stint of mental illness. At that time I felt like no one could possibly understand the constant drowning sensation I felt, and that I might have to live the rest of my life in that state of terror.

My depression had reached it's peak and, like in the past, had begun to drive a wedge between me and everyone that cared about me most, especially my dear drummer and boyfriend, Sebastian. He didn't understand why his adventurous, goofy, over-the-top girlfriend didn't want to leave the couch, couldn't smile, and didn't even want to eat. He began to blame himself, and that tore me to pieces with frustration and sadness.

Finally one night when I had the apartment to myself, I sat down at my keyboard and just began to sing my heart's song. My Demons began as a ballad. Slow, moving gently and intentionally through each emotion I was experiencing at the time. It was exactly what I needed it to be, and it saved me. Over the year and a half since it's conception it has obviously transformed into the rock-ish song it is today and each time I play it, I feel stronger and more in charge of my health! Wooh!

The concept behind the music video is to reflect what I felt when I was stuck in the darkest places of my mind. I felt paranoid, haunted and terrorized by my own irrational fears and self-loathing. The chair in the video is meant to represent the "safe space" I was trying to hold for myself. But in reality, I wasn't holding a safe space--I was trying to confine my struggles, suppress them, and hide from them.

The turning point in my mental health began when I found a way to communicate my fears. I took the power back when I decided to own the darkest parts of my mind rather than hide from them. I destroyed my hiding place, exposed my struggles and took away their control. In an age where 1 in 5 American adults experience mental illness, I'm learning it does more harm that good to stay silent about our mental hardships.

For everyone who currently feels the way I felt in my darkest moments: lost, scared, sad for the relationships you value but cannot tend to, know you're not alone and you will get through. Even if it's not my song that pulls you out of the dark, SOMETHING WILL. Don't lose hope. Much love <3


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